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Sat, Oct. 9th, 2004, 07:29 pm

It's a bit long...


Some one the other day asked me what made me think that I am Dom.  *sigh*  Well lets see...  Let me try to explain.  All of my life I’ve I very much enjoyed taking leadership roles with and receiving power from an eager and consenting partner. Several years ago I began learning about D/S and BDSM and discovered a correlation between D/S and past (relationship) experiences which I enjoyed immensely. I enjoy being the one who sets goals, assigns tasks, gives directions, and doles out rewards (and their reverse when necessary). I enjoy leading, making the decisions, mentoring, and delegating tasks (including delegating authority). I’m always seeking to learn more about myself and about D/S through my interaction with others who are also attracted to D/S. I’m looking for a D/S relationship for friendship and the mutual pleasure (both psychological and physical) that it can lead to.

I’m aware that the power exchange of D/S is negotiated, not forced; and that it occurs by a sub’s fulfilling an active role with regards to instructions, tasks, and assignments as opposed to simply ‘yielding to demands’. In my view, a D/S relationship is about forming a friendship/relationship that is a yin-yang balance of complementary, not competing, roles. It is a moving stairway in which power flows from the bottom upwards, and the thoughtful exercise of that power flows down. It can be a relationship of an exchange of trust and respect in which each meets the others needs in ways that also meet their own needs.

I would tell a novice sub (or switch) to be aware that to be a Dom is not an excuse to be rude or abusive. Being a rude a hole isn't proof of dominance; it's proof that one has no manners and is socially stunted. Also, “Domination” (and BDSM) isn’t about being the selfish assholes that we men can become, and it isn’t about acting out the (psychological or physical) aggression towards women that most men seem to have.

Not everyone is aware of the principle that a D/S relationship is formed from the bottom up, not top down; authority is given upward but it is exercised from the top. Since abuse arises where there is no consent, first boundaries are negotiated and only then a sub softly offers, "please express your desire and together we will act upon it without reserve unless I safeword". In my experience a submissive will, by her nature, have a desire to make herself subservient to her partner... but of course a very special partner, ideally one for whom she feels great respect, love, and trust.

For me, a D/S relationship/friendship can easily exist without pain or corporal punishment, as the willing offering of oneself and ones efforts, the giving and the following, not just the surrender of personal power by the submissive, is the key to the D/S relationship. A Dom’s control doesn’t come from a whip or a paddle; it comes from the sub herself. This is NOT about searching for abuse or humiliation as that can easily be found; this is about wanting to give, and in exchange, to receive direction.

Here are the Questions: Do you seek an authority figure? Do you wish to become enamored by a caring, thoughtful individual who will give you structure and goals, who you want to accept what you offer, and who will by his nature let you have in return? Do you search for a knowledgeable Dom who has your respect and trust, leaving yourself able to concentrate on enjoying other parts of your own nature or those of fantasy identities?

If you can answer yes to any of the above questions then I strongly suggest that you use this entry a basis for your response by writing a “paragraph by paragraph” commentary in which you communicate to me where your own ideas and interests parallel mine and where they differ. Please note that any responses that I receive that ‘supposedly’ indicate an interest but then only offer an e-address will be assumed to be from someone hunting for e-addresses for ‘commercial’ purposes. On the other hand, a paragraph by paragraph commentary will give me plenty of opportunity to comment on your own thoughts or to answer questions you might pose.

What I am looking for in a sub? I’m looking for contribution (not just subservience) and for friendship. I value enthusiasm, efficiency, and creativity; a desire to be led and to serve instead of a need to be 'forced'. I’m looking for a sub that is both willing and giving. This “giving” is not just of efforts, but also of ideas and opinions offered in a graceful, respectful, and proper manner. I know that one way to a sub happy is to be willing to consider the advice and comments of my sub. Furthermore, I don’t have a preconceived mold that a sub must fit into, instead I first learn what drives a sub (i.e. their needs, strengths, etc) and from there I can work to create a unique relationship, not a stereotypical one. I am looking for someone, either Novice or Experienced, who wants to learn something new about themselves from their interaction from me, and from whom I will learn something new about myself as I teach, instruct, or direct. I will never consider myself an “Expert” since each D/s relationship is different and something new is always certain to be discovered as a combination of unique personalities and traits working together create something new. If anything, I can perhaps be considered “Knowledgeable”, or at least ‘sane’ about how I go about expressing myself as a Dom.

I do not need that submission be 24/7; it can be during ‘playtime’ and in private fantasy scenes, or even weekly/monthly. I am also comfortable and happy to be “Friends in public, Partners in private, and ‘The King’ when it’s time to get kinky.” I’m looking for someone who wants to be a follower and to have someone else lead, even if for a little while. And if you might prefer that I also provide structure in your private life, I can accommodate.

I enjoy the concept of ‘ownership’ of a sub although I am quite amiable to referring to a sub as a partner (and in public as a ‘friend’) although I have no problem whatsoever with referring to a sub in terms of ‘property’. Technically, I would prefer a ‘submissive’ over a slave, and indeed the two have different needs and wants, but I won’t go into that here but I can suggest some reading material on the web for you to learn more. I’m not particularly fond of titles like “Master” or “Sir”, and they have nothing in common with one’s ability to lead. I guess you could say that I get my kicks from seeing a submissive efficiently, eagerly, and most of all, happily performing the task or following the directives that I assign.

I work hard at understanding a sub’s needs before exercising the authority offered, as a key component of being a Dom is about taking responsibility, especially taking on responsibility for someone else. Many Domwannabe’s expect to discover the rewards of being a Dom but don’t really want to take on the responsibility. One part of taking responsibility is the exercise of “self-discipline”. An example of this means never ‘really’ getting angry (upset yes, truly angry no), especially at those times that a sub rebels (as all subs do as they struggle with their nature and to overcoming a lifetime of ‘vanilla’ socialization). A self disciplined Dom who takes care of himself is a minimum, whereas a Dom who cannot exert discipline upon himself or take care of himself cannot be expected to take care of another.

How do I understand a sub’s needs? By focusing on communication, such as requesting a reply which includes commentary on the paragraphs I’ve written. I’ve also created written assignments/exercises which are rather open ended and are a platform by which you can educate me about yourself even if you aren’t really sure what it is that you might want. There is no right/wrong way to do these assignments as they are often a process of discovery for the submissive working on them as they make you sit down and think.

For the topic of pleasure: There is a great deal of pleasure that can come from giving and a submissive experiences just one subset of these pleasures. As a Dom I would ideally like to find a sub with whom I can enjoy an entirely different subset of ‘the pleasures of giving’. The ‘pleasures of giving’ for a Dom come not from the giving of power, but through the exercise of power, authority, and control. A classic example of this is when I, using my creativity, create a scene and/or roles that both surprise and delight a sub. The key here is that a sub is not just giving but is also receptive, and a Dom, through the skillful exercise of control, can give her that which fulfills her psychological and physical desires. This sort of pleasure also occurs for a Dom when he has fully inserted himself between his sub’s ears and has learned the working of her mind and psyche, to please both her and himself and to further refine his exercise of authority. I don’t simply desire hedonistic pleasure; I desire to be good…. Very, very good, at what I do, and from this I also receive pleasure.

For the topic of pain: I get nothing out of giving pain or humiliation as my primary BDSM interest is in D/s, with less interest in B&D. Therefore, in order, my interests are D/S, Discipline, and then Bondage. Depending upon my subs’ needs I can provide pain at the level of stimulation required. This would fall under the category of ‘pleasures from giving’ as my enjoyment of such activity comes from the scene, or my knowledge of, connection to, and respect for my sub. I do not get anything from watching torture or from giving pain to a stranger (even a volunteer), but I am of the type who would receive pleasure if I knew that the other person was receiving pleasure from this activity. For me, a D/S relationship “CAN” exist without pain as the willing offering of oneself and ones efforts, the giving and the following, not just the surrender of personal power by the submissive, is the key to the D/S relationship. I don’t get anything from giving someone else pain or humiliation, which does not mean that I refuse to give pain or humiliation, but rather that it is totally dependent upon my sub’s needs/desires. Physical or emotional pain it is not something that needs to be in a D/S relationship for me to call it ‘successful’ and a sub does not have to engage in masochistic behavior to please or entertain me. However, it should be noted that the willing endurance of discomfort to please a Dom is often a part of a sub’s willing gift. By now it should be clear that I am not a ‘lick my boot’ Domwannabe who feels powerful through the humiliation of others, (the exception would of course be for a sub who really craves humiliation, which is not an optimal match for my ‘style’).

Although a submissive might have a need to be ‘punished’ as part of a cathartic process (to be ‘wrong’, to be punished, and then to be ‘forgiven’ and cherished) I’m also not ‘actively’ seeking someone to punish or to intentionally trip up as my view is that, for an eager and hardworking sub, they will most often ‘fail’ because I most likely did not clearly explain my expectations. I’m focused on ‘improvement’, not on ‘punishment’; therefore I’m looking for a sub who wants personal growth instead of ‘straightjacket’ relationship where they aren’t really allowed to succeed or grow. A submissive in service to a capricious Dom can never learn how best to serve their Dom except to be the completely passive object, as any act of real punishment imposed is disconnected to prior disobedience: it will be nothing but another form of control which is unlikely to be rewarding to the sub.

For the topic of Bondage: If it turns out that various physical restraints are necessary for a sub to achieve the feeling that she desires, or to get into a zone that pleasurable to her, then I enjoy doing the restricting, the tying, and the determination of much of the how and when (after taking my subs needs, opinions, requests and desires into consideration).

x-posted to a couple places

Sun, Oct. 10th, 2004 08:38 pm (UTC)
somaticdreamer: Noticed it somewhere else as well.

Kudos for sharing that piece, as it allows much insight into the dynamic of D/s, touching upon things that I would venture to say a good deal of people agree with.

Mon, Oct. 11th, 2004 01:38 am (UTC)
drblasphlemy: Re: Noticed it somewhere else as well.

Thank you.